Where do you draw your hope from when you have hit rock-bottom?

I am 38 and I have lost all hope and desire to live. All I want is freedom from my pain.

First suicide attempt at age 16
Last suicide attempt was last Wednesday – it was my tenth.
(I know pretty sad that after ten tries I can’t even get that right).

I have seen the inside of multiple emergency rooms and psych units over the years. I have been to more doctors, counselors, shrinks, therapists, alternative medical specialists, rehabs, and groups than I can even count anymore.

If there is a medication out there, they have tried it on me.

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. I am a cutter and I have an eating disorder. I had a habitual marijuana and sleeping pill addiction which I have under control, but I still crave everyday. I also quit drinking. I just finished going through bankruptcy for the 45K in credit card debt I racked up due to a spending addiction. I was married once and have had multiple live-in partners – I drove them all away because I am "crazy".

I am currently in a treatment program (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), it has been five months and I still feel little hope.

I cry everyday, I am lost and empty, I want freedom from the emotional pain I live with constantly. I feel I have no worth or purpose. I have lost all hope as I have been in treatment so many times and yet, here I am again.

How many times can a person hit rock-bottom and still find the courage and strength to try?

I go to therapy, I go to group therapy, I volunteer, I exercise, I try to take good care of myself, I meditate daily, I work with my higher power but still I feel no hope.

What now?

Technorati Tags: anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, credit card debt, depressive disorder, dialectical behavior therapy, eating disorder, emergency rooms, emotional pain, first suicide, five months, group therapy, little hope, major depressive disorder, medical specialists, pill addiction, rehabs, rock bottom, sleeping pill, spending addiction, suicide attempt

Posted July 16th, 2010 in Bankruptcy Q and A. Tagged: anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, credit card debt, depressive disorder, dialectical behavior therapy, eating disorder, emergency rooms, emotional pain, first suicide, five months, group therapy, little hope, major depressive disorder, medical specialists, pill addiction, rehabs, rock bottom, sleeping pill, spending addiction, suicide attempt.

4 comments:

Mad Mac:
Humans are like a rubber ball. When they hit the rock at the bottom if they don’t die they always bounce back up. Take hope in that!
July 16th, 2010 at 9:27 am
naguru:
Make a thorough self analysis and seek mercy from Lord.
July 16th, 2010 at 9:27 am
Deanz B:
have you seriously asked jesus to come into your heart and save you and mean it?? I have and my life has been better. i draw strength fro him daily, sometimes minute by minute. forgive those who have tresspassed against you. they will answer to God like we will, God is faithful and just and will forgive us. tell yourself suicide is not the answer/ option. maybe you dwell on that as an out. I told my sister that she always entertains the idea, she has attempted many times. it is no longer an option!!
July 16th, 2010 at 9:27 am
A.J. Mahari:
Hope can be drawn from the fact that you are still here – still alive. It can also be found in the realization that all of your pain is trying to teach you many things. Hope can be a challenge to find when you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

It is so important to stay in therapy and really work hard. It may not take away your pain for a time, but it is the way to address that pain over time.

You need to also realize that you do not have to die to free yourself from your pain. It can really be done, in time, in therapy. I have recovered from BPD and so can you.

Perhaps you can find a little hope if you read a couple of things I’ve written about BPD and hope?
July 16th, 2010 at 9:27 am