First suicide attempt at age 16
Last suicide attempt was last Wednesday – it was my tenth.
(I know pretty sad that after ten tries I can’t even get that right).

I have seen the inside of multiple emergency rooms and psych units over the years. I have been to more doctors, counselors, shrinks, therapists, alternative medical specialists, rehabs, and groups than I can even count anymore.

If there is a medication out there, they have tried it on me.

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. I am a cutter and I have an eating disorder. I had a habitual marijuana and sleeping pill addiction which I have under control, but I still crave everyday. I also quit drinking. I just finished going through bankruptcy for the 45K in credit card debt I racked up due to a spending addiction. I was married once and have had multiple live-in partners – I drove them all away because I am "crazy".

I am currently in a treatment program (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), it has been five months and I still feel little hope.

I cry everyday, I am lost and empty, I want freedom from the emotional pain I live with constantly. I feel I have no worth or purpose. I have lost all hope as I have been in treatment so many times and yet, here I am again.

How many times can a person hit rock-bottom and still find the courage and strength to try?

I go to therapy, I go to group therapy, I volunteer, I exercise, I try to take good care of myself, I meditate daily, I work with my higher power but still I feel no hope.

What now?

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