I am 38 and I have lost all hope and desire to live. All I want is freedom from my pain.

First suicide attempt at age 16
Last suicide attempt was last Wednesday – it was my tenth.
(I know pretty sad that after ten tries I can’t even get that right).

I have seen the inside of multiple emergency rooms and psych units over the years. I have been to more doctors, counselors, shrinks, therapists, alternative medical specialists, rehabs, and groups than I can even count anymore.

If there is a medication out there, they have tried it on me.

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. I am a cutter and I have an eating disorder. I had a habitual marijuana and sleeping pill addiction which I have under control, but I still crave everyday. I also quit drinking. I just finished going through bankruptcy for the 45K in credit card debt I racked up due to a spending addiction. I was married once and have had multiple live-in partners – I drove them all away because I am "crazy".

I am currently in a treatment program (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), it has been five months and I still feel little hope.

I cry everyday, I am lost and empty, I want freedom from the emotional pain I live with constantly. I feel I have no worth or purpose. I have lost all hope as I have been in treatment so many times and yet, here I am again.

How many times can a person hit rock-bottom and still find the courage and strength to try?

I go to therapy, I go to group therapy, I volunteer, I exercise, I try to take good care of myself, I meditate daily, I work with my higher power but still I feel no hope.

What now?

Technorati Tags: anxiety disorder, borderline personality disorder, credit card debt, depressive disorder, dialectical behavior therapy, eating disorder, emergency rooms, emotional pain, first suicide, five months, group therapy, little hope, major depressive disorder, medical specialists, pill addiction, rehabs, rock bottom, sleeping pill, spending addiction, suicide attempt

How come cons only offer obstruction and no alternative? How are we going to be able to handle over 50 million uninsured Americans? Health care costs that are sky rocketing, bankruptcies due to health care costs through the roof, emergency rooms with 12 hour plus waits for urgent problems…..

Or do cons think there is no problem and feel like sticking their head in the sand and protecting the rich and corporations is what is best for America?
Notice no solutions are being offered…come on in your own words people give me the fixes.

Technorati Tags: 50 million, bankruptcies, corporations, emergency rooms, head in the sand, health care costs, sky, uninsured americans health care