How to help a relative in debt?
I have a relative ("Lou") who is in debt. Lou is in his early 30’s. The debt is more than K. Lou seems depressed, and I believe spends (restaurants, clothes, etc) as an escape from real life. In the past, the family has repaid Lou’s debt without conditions, but every time more debt appears later. This time, the family offered to refinance the debt only if Lou hews to a budget. Lou is resisting the budget since it imposes controls that any adult might resist. Plus, Lou is worried about his life being in too much flux and not being able to guarantee he can live within the budget. The only alternative is for Lou to default on his debt. We don’t really want that because of the long-term implications of bankruptcy. We also worry about pushing Lou "over the edge". There is no drinking or drug problem. There may be a gambling problem. What do we do? Lou refuses to go to counseling.
tough love ! willing to help someone that appreciates the help? Lou has to grow up and feel the sparks on hi A** trust me sometimes we can stand a little heat but when the heat heat comes either we will jump off or get burned it is a decision he has to make
July 10th, 2010 at 4:36 amYou and the family stop helping Lou, Lou is a grown up and figure this out on his own…If you keep enabling this problem it will never go away…
July 10th, 2010 at 4:36 amYou and the rest of the family are enabling Lou to keep up his spending habits.
Leave him alone, let him sink or swim on his own. If he does go bankrupt, that is his problem, not yours.
July 10th, 2010 at 4:36 amLou is a grown man..don’t baby him..
July 10th, 2010 at 4:36 amI do not believe that you can help someone who refuses to help themselves. If he is unwilling to deal with his problems it doesn’t matter if he’s spends because he’s depressed, or whatever. The reason isn’t important unless he accepts it and makes an honest effort to try to change.
If you bail Lou out this time expect to do it again and again, nothing will change. If Lou has to file bankruptcy, so be it. He’s a big boy now, right. He will have to deal with the consequences of his actions just like he should have all along.
July 10th, 2010 at 4:36 amYou cannot help Lou if he keeps repeating the same behavior. You can’t keep rescuing him from the dept that HE has created on his own. Lou may be a grown man, but he has a problem with spending or doesn’t know how to budget or spend his money wisely. He is out of control. I think you just need to NOT help him and let him do it on his own. He is the one that got himself in this pit so let him get himself out of it. That is how he is going to learn and wake up. The family just needs to stop feeling sorry for him because he already knows how to manipulate you all so you guys can help him. He has to want to help himself and the only way that will happen is if he changes his spending behavior.
Lou is already over the edge and he is the one who got himself there, not you. He is responsible for his own problems and his own behavior. Sorry to be so forward with you, but this is the truth. He needs intervention by seeking professional help. If he doesn’t want that help, then there is nothing else you can do for him. Let him dig out of his own pit.
The reason why I say this is my husband and I had helped a family member with money and all this person did was manipulate my husband with many lies, that he doesn’t know what lies he has said to us. One lie after another. So, we had to say NO. Sometimes it is hard to say no especially if you are a caring and loving person, but if you don’t say NO, then people just keep on taking advantage of you. So, if you are unsure of helping him and you think he has a gambling problem, this should be some red flags (warnings) on not to help Lou.
Lou is the only one that can change himself. No one else can’t change him, plus he has to want to change. Again, if he doesn’t want counseling, there is your answer. He doesn’t want help.
July 10th, 2010 at 4:36 amYou and your family members are Enablers. Lou needs to seek counseling and pay off his own debts. The family helped him before now Lou needs to admit he has a problem and get some help. He doesn’t sound like he will. So don’t do anything. Its not your problem or the families its Lou’s. You can’t help Lou until Lou realizes he has a problem. That’s step one. Can’t live within in a budget? He definitely needs to grow up and quit relying on mommy, daddy and the family.
July 10th, 2010 at 4:36 amSounds like you and your family have helped Lou quite enough. In fact, it sounds like you have helped him wrack up over $50 worth of debt with zero consequences to himself. It’s time to stop helping Lou in quite the same way.
Until this guy wants to help himself there is nothing you all can do. It’s entirely possible that he needs counseling for the underlying problems that cause his overspending. But he has to want to change for anything to work. He doesn’t want to change yet because he hasn’t had a reason to. You’ve all bailed him out, reinforcing the belief that he’s not responsible for anything. Stop now and let him pay the consequences for his actions.
July 10th, 2010 at 4:36 am